Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
My penis needs a shock collar
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
