booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
