meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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