I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
