Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
