I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaÃt comercial?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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