I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
