At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
