I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Naked. naked and bneed help.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
