Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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