I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize
