You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
