They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
