maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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