I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
