ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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