piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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