anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Randomize
