Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
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