You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
