i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Randomize
