Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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