is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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