Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
