It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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