Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
