dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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