The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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