I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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