I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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