Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Boobs speak an international language.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
