I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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