Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
