hotel room ftw
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Never let your siblings swipe right.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
