I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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