I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I need to sanitize my soul.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Randomize
