It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
