my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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