I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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