im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
