Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Randomize
