she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Randomize
