Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
