He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
