so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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