what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
can u get pink eye on your cock?
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
