That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
