I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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