ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
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