Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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